FallenAnge|

missing

2011-10-04T11:14:00.000+08:00

I miss a zhu

Many things running through my head

2011-10-04T10:47:00.000+08:00

Too many unspoken words.
I dont know wat to do...wat will future be like? no body knows?
To me...its seems lyk i am a zombie zhu without any future...

UPSET

2011-08-14T11:12:00.002+08:00

Jus another blow i entercounter
He is a married man but really dote me. FML
Perhaps i should MIA

:(

2011-06-28T19:08:00.000+08:00

can anyone hear me? I m upset very very upset... everyone looks down on me..I m nt happy at all.... can I end my life?

upset

2011-06-26T00:19:00.000+08:00

心碎了，痛了，哭了
但还是这样。

伤心

2011-06-24T18:56:00.000+08:00

I believe I shld jus go. since pple already say I scary. very upset my heart crying...

is still him

2011-06-23T08:10:00.000+08:00

hw I run n hide is still him.

越是在乎的人，越是猜不透。

no matter wat

2011-06-19T22:08:00.000+08:00

I miss him I noe he is the one but nw a days he seems to Bo chup me... I very sad really very sad. I duno wat to do can not fb cannot SMS... I feel really lost...sob sob... can anyone hear my heart cry

sad

2011-06-19T15:18:00.000+08:00

very upset.
no one uds hw I feel, I jus lyk him with my whole heart. but he starts to detest me? maybe he found new target Liao.

I will wish u all the best..

tears

2011-06-18T23:00:00.001+08:00

tears keep flowing down. I noe hw much I miss him but I cant let him noe cause he starts to detest me...
perhaps I m jus someone nt worth perhaps I shld jus die off and vanish frm his life. I hate myself for everything I duno hw to control my emotions is getting out of control.
but I gt no one to turn to, no true fren only left my own self. pathetic right? but is the fact tat I m someone nt impt at all I am jus useless jus someone extra on this earth...

I really wish to die off.... I m nt evil I nv do anything evil pple say I have gd heart but y god so cruel and unfair?

miss him

2011-06-18T16:41:00.000+08:00

I noe I miss him but I gt no ci ge anymore. I can't tell him or fb him the feeling sucks...

haiz

2011-06-17T19:39:00.000+08:00

好累真的，脑里什么都想不到。
好想这样就死去。
人生到底是什么。好不甘心，好不公平。

the feeling is jus nt right

2011-06-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

the feeling is all wrong. it's still him. freak myself...

sigh

2011-06-15T07:42:00.000+08:00

心情很不好。
很累真的很累。

好痛苦

2011-06-14T19:51:00.000+08:00

好想死掉就不会那么痛了。
他的忽冷忽热使我很伤心。
我累了真的累了。

lost

2011-06-13T19:02:00.000+08:00

very lost very stress jus hope I can vanish. will he uds..

我好想他

2011-06-11T20:17:00.000+08:00

好想念他。但是不知该怎么对他说。
想他想到快疯了。
好想约他出去。

想念

2011-06-04T23:41:00.000+08:00

很想念但已没有资格。
想对他说我想念他但我没有勇气。
我很没有用。
很辛苦。

哭了

2011-06-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

我很痛苦，但我得装做我很坚强。
有没有人能了解。

疏远

2011-05-31T23:16:00.000+08:00

it's seems I n him have drifted.
No longer as close n he dun call me much anymore. perhaps he starting to avoid me after my confession.
Am I thinking too much???

I miss him

难过

2011-05-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

我好想念他。一天比一天多。
但如果他真的还爱他的前女朋，我回祝福他。

我的心事多少人会知。
我只想睡了隔天不会起来，或许这样我不会那么痛苦。

我真的爱上他了

2011-05-28T01:52:00.000+08:00

我的感情告诉我真的爱上他「陈文良｣Jeffrey Chen.
我很妒嫉也很害怕，他前女朋的出现。我知道我配不上他，但我无法控制我对他的思念以及爱意。
我爱上了他的好，他的坏。这是我一辈子，第一次喜欢一个人喜欢了九个月而且越来越深。

无奈

2011-05-27T07:43:00.000+08:00

或许我在这世界跟本就是多余。
真的累了。没人了解没人明白。

伤心

2011-05-27T00:07:00.001+08:00

我从来没有那么伤心过，或许我付出的感情真的太多。
他的绝情，他的狠心，使我很想死掉算了。我不知道如何是好，我从没那么乱。
神啊救救我！我真的快疯了。

其实

2011-05-25T19:32:00.000+08:00

其实我很不喜欢他那班兄弟但是爱屋及乌。他们每次叫他去喝酒，他有没有想过自己的健康？
我没资格说什么，只是很担心和在乎他。他会明白和了解吗？

想念

2011-05-24T07:51:00.000+08:00

我的腰还是酸酸，但至少比昨天好。

好想他但是我觉得我没权力告诉他。
为什么他要说如果他打给我一定要听。
为什么他要说那些让我有机会的话。
为什么我会那么喜欢他？

missing him lots...after talking to my
colleague earlier on, I decided and will jus keep the answer to my heart...
if we r meant to be, someday we will ba

我只想说：我很想念他。

想念

2011-05-24T07:39:00.000+08:00

我的腰还是酸酸，但至少比昨天好。

好想他但是我觉得我没权力告诉他。
为什么他要说如果他打给我一定要听。
为什么他要说那些让我有机会的话。
为什么我会那么喜欢他？

简简单单

2011-05-23T03:40:00.000+08:00

我好辛苦，也好痛苦。
但是我会祝福他和他的前女友。这就是爱情，不是吗？

missing

2011-05-22T21:15:00.000+08:00

我好想约他出去，但是我没有勇气说出口。(T . T)

失去的太多，所以懂得珍惜。
我爱上了一个我这辈子不会轻易放弃的人。有人在追我，但是我心里只有一个他。一个让我吃不下，让我睡不觉，让我担心，影响我情绪。
我真的爱上了他。但是我知道我的病，所以我很痛苦。没人知道，我真正的心情。我多么希望我和其他女孩子一样，有一段刻苦名新的爱情。但我也知道这是一个很遥远的梦。

心碎了，或许我该放手了。真的好痛好痛。

on the way to holland v to meet Eunice. although my back nt gd but I m still fine. the time nw is 2115pm.
saw so many couples on mrt but seems nt affected. perhaps....perhaps....perhaps....

heavy heart

2011-05-21T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today is his birthday.
I bought him a Burberry polo tee and was happy tat he say he lyk it.

Sad thing is he at parklene nw drinking again and worst he is driving. sigh guess I will have another sleepless night.

我的心声谁会知？我真的很喜欢他也很想念他。但是我没资格。思念是痛苦。

give up??

2011-05-21T15:40:00.000+08:00

或许是我该放手的时候了。

perhaps

2011-05-20T18:26:00.001+08:00

在他心里或许他的家人和兄弟比较重要吧。
我很烦也很伤心。我还要继续等他跟喜欢他吗？
今晚不醉不归。
被爱是幸福爱人是痛苦。

stupidest me

2011-05-18T07:42:00.000+08:00

I find myself very stupid and I really more n more hate myself......

many words to say

2011-05-16T20:51:00.000+08:00

我有很多话说，但是不知从哪里说起。我也很难过，难过到我不知道该怎么办。

u hurt me

2011-05-13T00:59:00.000+08:00

你伤了我。
为什么你要说出这些话？

if u dun trust me den forget it, y must u say gals all cannot be trusted. later I take ur money go spent, say I act cute very irritating, say talk to me u very sian... do u noe u t demoralizing me? do u ever noe u r hurting me?

hw will u feel if one fine day a gal u lyk say such words to hurt u?

I m very sad, really very sad

I miss u

2011-05-11T03:58:00.000+08:00

我真的爱上了他。我很想他。

今天他又去喝酒。我很害怕也很担心。
担心他会打架，害怕没人送他回家。
我不想失去他。

我的心情他会了解吗？
无论他有钱没钱，无论他有学文没学文，无论他有车没车，无论他脾气多坏，我也接受，因为是他 ﹣陈文良 Aka Jeffrey Chen。

我的心情你會明白嗎?

2011-05-10T13:09:00.003+08:00

I decided to reopen this blog as i feel that i no longer wana update any status in my fb anymore. The less pple know the better it is ba, i feel very tired these few days. Life haven been good since beginning of the year, whatever i do it always turns the other way round. I duno wat to do or say anymore.

2 weeks back, i saw my ex at bedok while i was in the bus. The feeling was totally gone? which i feel love is so scary frm someone u once love become a total stranger.

I have been lyking Jeffrey since aug last year by nw it should be 9 mths already. First time someone is affecting my mood so much since my ex was gone. But i did a terrible thing yesterday and i cried. I wanted to "test water' but i didnt know by doing that makes him hates me and wana sever all ties with me. I was upset and almost burst into tears at boat quay yesterday. But i dun blame him cause some pple dun lyk to be lie or test water with this kinda thing. When he say my full name in chinese and say wont contact me anymore and wana take back the two years thingy, my heart was crying. I didnt know what to do. I was lost. I tried to explain. I jus blurt watever i have been keeping inside me. I duno if he will call me again. But i just feel lost, lost till i didnt go work at all for two days. Feel that we are getting further and drifting apart. Is it i am thinking too much or is it he is sick n tired of me? i really duno. I wanted to try to live my life without him but i fail. I promise that i will nv sms or fb message him such bo liao message again and make him dulan but i did again. He say i dun uds him? but have he ever try to uds me. I am nt a unreaonable person. 我只想说声对不起。真的对不起。

我只是单纯的喜欢你而已。我从没想过有一天你会接受我。我只想这样的喜欢你，难道我错了?
after so long i quitted smoking for my own health, i drink less for my own health. y each time when i fall for someone, things always change till lyk tat? is it because tat's my life/fate? i can nv be someone i lyk? 我很不甘心! 我不是坏人。没有人明白我的心情。没有人了解我。

Can anyone teach me wat i must do?

My health havent been well. I have lost 1.5kg but i feel quite weak. Yesterday whole night my both hand was numb. Sometimes my chest will pain and i will have diahoera each time. I dun
dare to go for full body check up, scare gt something wrong. My fear will anyone uds?

I miss u

2011-04-03T21:36:00.002+08:00

Three simple words ** I MISS YOU**

first night at cheng du

2010-11-08T04:49:00.000+08:00

not a bad hotel which is only 3 star. it's only first night and I miss him. 7 days more before i can hear his voice again.

我很想念你。你会知道吗？

Off to China

2010-11-07T09:45:00.001+08:00

I going off to China and be back 14th Nov

Will miss you guys especially that someone <3

missing

2010-10-05T08:00:00.000+08:00

很想念他但没有勇气面对面地告诉他。
只希望能听到和看到他。
思念一个人可以很幸福也可以很辛苦。
辛苦因为想念却见不到，而幸福因为他是你喜欢的人。

嗨，只愿奇迹能现。
我的要求并不高，只希望我的病快点好而能听到他说声喜欢我。

feelings

2010-10-04T08:05:00.000+08:00

After so long met up with him again together with my other frens.

So happy to see him but we didn't talk
much but at least I am contented still able to see him ba.

I nv eat the whole day, was kinda feeling nt gd as well as gastric pain was acting up :(
We sang all the way till 9pm after which was kinda sad tat he left with Johnson first and we can't decided whr to eat thus I went home as well. As I walked I keep say "si Jeffrey say wana fetch me home bluff me wan" :( but nvm la I am independent gal so it's ok.

After tat he called me say he left early cause body aching. poor thing la he. sometimes concern him he say I too lo so so I guess I better keep myself shut up better ba. His van kana scratch mark cause tat night he drank n drive home. told him many times dun drink n drive but yet he did tat. wat can I say worry for him but I can't say much as I nt in position to say anything. he ask me buy the silver marker pen for him as he wana try paint it back. hopefully can cover ba. he say sat wana let me see his van den after tat bring go "dou feng" duno true a nt also.

the feeling is getting stronger as days go by but I dun have the right to do or say much. I dun wana burden other pple thou I really lyk him ba.

my sickness hasn't been good. my
whole body was in pain last night especially my leg and arms at the joint area. will I leave the world earlier by ten yrs? 我很不甘心！ cause I haven tell him in real life I lyk him and I nv let him Noe wo Xiang nian ta.

I told Yun yesterday maybe after his bday next year I will leave his life ba. A lv wallet tat I am aiming for. sound stupid right??? he nt my bf jus a fren but y am I doing so much for him ??? I wanted buy ld menthol for him ytd but he always cough cough den keep smoke n smoke. I dulan jitao Mai buy for him.

have I really over concern and over ltm him? I duno I jus dun wan leave this world with regrets someday. perhaps tats me the naive and stupid me??

nth more compare to stress!!!

2010-09-30T18:43:00.000+08:00

very stress almost going to die Liao..
I cannot imagine next yr if I get into SIM how???

I need to destress. I need to go clubbing soon and dance out all my stress.

I feel lyk giving up everything.
my sickness gone for the worst and I gt no one else to turn to beside my ownself. the devil/monster I see each day in the mirror. can I jus die off. I dun wana see such a me and accept such a me.

if only I can die in my slp n nv wake up the tmr. I hate the way I am and hate the life I m leading nw..

我真的很想死掉！！真的！！

words

2010-09-29T22:53:00.000+08:00

U hurt me with ur words again...
I jus feel the words pierce right thru my heart.
I can be so stupid wanting really to buy a lv wallet for u next year may. I saw it at lv webby, it look quite nice and cost abt 500 plus but after wat u saying really make me think again.

U condemn all the gals after u were hurt 6 years ago. Den wat abt me being hurt for 5 years and yet he can lie in front of me time after time.

I treat pple with my true heart. why do pple take for granted each time. perhaps I shldnt treat u nice anymore since u can say such words to me. u might me kidding but u will nv uds wat gals may feel deep down.

u really have hurt me deep down but I still took the courage to talk to u each day and let u suan siao me. am I really stupid or wat???

你真的伤透我的心，但是我想你也不会知道那种痛。perhaps I shld leave ur life???
I m tired of the mind game u r playing perhaps end of the day, our characteristics r still different from each other and perhaps we r frm two different world.

MIA

2010-09-28T11:21:00.001+08:00

I cannot afford to bring myself to see war I am nw, thus I decided to go MIA from everyone till i m better from my sickness.

I hate each day the devil I see in the mirror. hate the eyes pple have on me. I can't blame anyone but myself as it's me who keep dun control those wrong things I m doing. I swear I nv ever touch beef, cigs or alcohol ever again. I hate to see back the past me after I have actually improve my condition.

hw many pple will ever uds the pain I m going thru even though I am more lucky den those cancer patient but I m still someone with genetics cells issue bothering me. I sometimes hope if I was nv born hw nice it will be. the love I grave for. no matter hw nice I treat pple end up I still get this kinda sickness if that the case might as well I vanish?? I hate the way I am n hate myself even more....

I yearn to shop lyk any other gals be more confidence with my self but hw could I possibly do tat when I have such sickness...the stupid white blood cells too many or scientist says cause of immune system Down??? no cure medication yet only can minimize to the maxi... thinking back hw many happy memories do I have???? perhaps is jus zero.....

work slp home is wat I do each day nw? I can't be enjoying myself outside with frens cause I dun wana act in front of pple tat I am happy which in fact I am not.

I decided to stay far away from J.C. I dun wana be a problem later on, thus perhaps 这样喜欢他 is enough. knowing his life has his brothers n frens with him and I can share his happy n sad moments I am happy enough.. maybe that is also a happiness being able to lyk someone....

If one day I am gone, dun be sad for me cause perhaps tats the way to leave this realistic yet reality world...
I will be happy with whr ever place I will go. pls live on lives happily for me...

Fears

2010-09-27T18:37:00.000+08:00

Mentally and physically tired.
I dun even noe wat's my goal n dream in life. Jus living day by day like a zombie.

Relationship to me nw ish have den have if dun have den lyk tat lo. hah duno y I sound so upset with life nw a days. maybe I seen enough le ba. betrayers, lies, hypocrities. who will really accept the way u r? who will not for sake u even when u have sickness or going to dead soon??? perhaps there is no true love at all in this pathetic world, or maybe there is if u r lucky enough. out of ten maybe one??

I always blame god for letting me have this sickness and make me feel damn miserable but there is nth I can do but take medication three times each day. wat else to do?? I tried cutting down my food in take, tried waiting for miracles? who the hell will accept such gal as gf with such sickness thus I decided to maintain my rs with him this way. I dun wana be a burden, dun wana add on problem to other ppl's
life. sometimes I jus wish to die off at least I feel nt sad tat way.

The love tat I grave for the happy memories that I wish to have with my beloved one hah it's always a dream. it's a dream so near yet will nv happen. but no one ever uds hw I feel....

perhaps someday....perhaps miracle will happen... if only.....

shuo bu chu de mi mi

2010-09-26T18:12:00.001+08:00

I miss him but duno hw to tell him

Many words but i duno hw to express.
I feel quite lost deep down,
I fear for things fear for worse.

I always wonder wat will happen if one day he dun bother about me anymore?
we are just frens and nth else. but y do i have such fears.

time zone

2010-09-24T16:54:00.001+08:00

Now technology so advance can use iPhone and update blog but time zone 8 hours different lol so dun be stun tat I can update blog middle of the night hor hahaha...

Now at office waiting for work to be over before heading to simei for dinner le.. tonight gona eat real full so tat wu hua mah tio Bo lolx....

tml is Saturday and I need to pack my room den see who wana date me out if not den stay home ba... waiting for pay day also lah no money le...sob sobx

next week end going sing song den see when my colleague wana organize go St James or go relax at pub ba...
life still goes on no matter hw tough it is..

yawns.....so slpy due to rain...

I miss him :(

Unspoken words

2010-09-24T07:44:00.001+08:00

I have the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt abt my ex. we quarreled and den I say break up but he dun wana break and chase after me? wat's the dream trying to tell me?? I really dun uds???

I have been talking to Jeffrey for three months and four days now. Time flies and the feeling is getting more each day. I duno y but I jus lyk the way he is and how he joke and make my day. But whether we two will be together is still a question mark as must see fate ba. I scare to step into another failure rs and by den i will be 30????? I scare to get the hurt feeling again, but each time his words will always directly hurt my heart. I fear for rejection cause of my sickness as well perhaps we stay on this way will be gd??

yesterday night he congraz me as he saw my fb status say miss someone. he wanted to 祝福 me and happy tat I found someone, at tat pt my heart sank. another indirect blow to me. of course i told him the truth and he say he noes wat I m trying to say. I am
still waiting for him to teach me play L4D lah, wait till neck long le, he say when get pay but I hear nia lah. He gt his bros sure forget de lo...

我真的喜欢上他，想跟他在一起，但或许他不喜欢我。
老天爷，我该怎么办？

Lots of words to say but duno hw to start. I jus Noe that I miss him lots.

happy vs unhappy

2010-09-22T20:50:00.000+08:00

it's been long since I update.
Recently many things happening and I have fallen for someone named Jeffrey Chen.

We are not together but we are talking on phone for three months now.
I can't deny the fact tat I have actually fallen for him and he noes abt it.

I shall update more soon...

Life still goes on

2010-07-25T09:47:00.003+08:00

It had been months since i last update.
Well life still goes on, nth much about life.
I choose not to believe in r/s anymore thus perhaps single life is still better for me.

Wroking life still goes on, but stress more n more as days goes by..Sigh.

Alright will update when i am better.
Meanwhile take care folks.

Tears

2010-05-09T20:16:00.003+08:00

After 1 year plus....tears are back falling down from my cheek again.
I force myself to work each day not wanting to think abt past memories but it still fails.

15/02/04-07/03/09 - its memories tat i ca nv forget....my heart still hurts just tat no one noe...everyone tot i have walked out of it....till today i finally realised i still cant let go....though he lied time after time but i dont hate him i duno why....sometimes i just wish i am blind so tat i cannot see watever i dun wana see...sometimes i wish i am deaf so tat i can dun listen to watever i dun wana listen..i tried really tried walking out of this misery.....he use to promise me no matter wat happen he wont leave me....why when i wish everything can restart again he choose to leave...bumping into him at bugis few weeks back was sometime tat bring back memories...i tried to act as if i am fine by walking away when i see him...but my heart was heavy....i lied by telling my godbro tat even if we cant be lovers we still can be frens....i lied to myself tat my heart is died for him.....i miss the times when he was there for me always....i miss the times he was there to onsol me whenever i am down but nw he is no longer around. i m lost with my life.....y this time round i fallen so deep till i cant get myself up anymore......has our fate really ended?? when i hear from my godbro tat he changes gf now n den i was real upset...wat if someday i bump into him on street hand in hand with another gal....i really duno.....i just hope i can just die....i gt no more targets in life...no more directions towards my life...i m just lyk a walking zombie...living each day...all the things he bought are all still with me....i nv throw even 1 single thing.....y is god so unfair...y doesnt any miracle appear on me....wo lei le...zhen de

I tried to survive but i failed.....i am just the same old weak me.....no one will ever understand....those memories will be kept in my heart forever......

Haiz

2010-04-28T23:26:00.001+08:00

Wo ke wang de ai qing when will arrive? hahaha?
Well well...i dun really trust r/s anymore le ba...nw love my gfs more den anything...
To me nth is forever ba...=D

Tough week at work....stress and nv ending work load...dying very soon.
Going to fall sick any moment le zzzzzz

2010

2010-04-25T11:05:00.002+08:00

I have deleted previous post for 2010 cause i do not wan to remind of some jerks ba.
After all i am still stuck with the 5 years memories, perhaps all of u might think julius is a jerk/bastard but you all will nv noe during this 5 years wat really happen.

Well life still goes on....

Oh ya i might shift to a landed property =D which means i gt two houses as my sister is currently looking for terrace house and marine crescent will be leave under my name...yup...

Emo haunts me

2009-12-14T21:10:00.000+08:00

I am down badly again...No one will ever understand y cause i choose not to tell..
All these 5 years only he noes wat i am going thru but in the end he left me/he changed...
I gt no one else to turn to only myself...i choose not to tell and choose to hide from this emo world..
I tried to seek a way out but it seems very far....

He used to tell me everything will be fine...cause he will always be there for me this whole life time...he promised! although my godbro say he is not worth, my godbro ask me to move on...but wat really happened all these 5 years only is between me and him? I cant hate him in fact i miss him and i still pin the hope that one day he will be back with me again?....all sort of regrets....will anyone understand wat i am feeling?I guess not...tears flow down my cheeks again...i miss the times he protect me...i miss the times we spent together...i miss his hugs and kisses real much...
Julius...y are u so heartless...y when i hope things would be fine again u left me saying u changed...u can remembered my hp number so well after 8 mths...u can rememebered everything about me...but y u choose to run away from me...i noe i hurt u deep....i regreted and u left me alone......i tried to move on but i failed...tell me wat should i do to forget you.....the pain u left me....the millions of tears drop each time....

Will i ever be happy again?
Edna will nv be the happy Edna again.......the Edna tat is happy right from the heart....U use to tell me u wana see a Happy me...since the day u left me....i will nv be happy again....its 5 years...nt 5 months...i tried i really tried....

Heaven had played me out...i yearn for miracles each day of my life....but...its seems so near yet so fat....

I am down badly....

Nt good at all

2009-12-01T21:13:00.002+08:00

I am nt feeling good at all!!!!
I cant bring myself to hate him at all!

I dreamt of him last night....I miss the old julius who dote me for who i am...

Can i turn back time?
I ruin everything wth my bare hands...now he completely changed into another person....its scary...

I cried at work today...tears...flow down my eyes...i was stress real stress no one to turn to...at that point of time i think of him....someone who was there for me in the past...i really miss u...will you ever noe?.....i miss everything of you...everyone told me to move forward just lyk how you are doing now..but i am still stuck at sqaure even now as i type...tears still flood my eyes....

I am weak yes i am weak...can we ever be back frens again???can we ever be at the very first place of hi and bye.....

I lost hope for everything...i tried my best to move forward i really tried...but i am till stuck right at the beginning again..

Emo

2009-11-28T20:08:00.001+08:00

Emo surrounding me on a Saturday Night.
Wat's wrong with me?

My last post

2009-11-23T20:56:00.002+08:00

This entry marks the end of my last entry using this blogskin..

Its time to move on. I finally seen his true colours, though hurts are still there for the past 5 years of memories..i just duno y he changed till this much...

I will jus keep the old julius who dote me and love me for who i am somewhr in my heart to remember these sweet memories..other den that...its time to move a step forward to my life..

Well love is not everything i still gt my besties besides me and u noe who u guys are...thanks for the company for the past 8 mths during my ups and downs..i love u guys the most...muacks...

Perhaps i have wasted 5 years on him perhaps its a lesson learnt in my life...nv put guys as first prority which i did in the past...i give it everything though i make mistake i still tried my best to salvage this r/s...

Many of u might wonder...hw come suddenly i changed till lyk tat...well he was the one who make me fully awake...i bumped into him at bugis last friday...all these while he was hanging around with my godbro in Singapore? He lied! Yes he lied to me...he just wana avoid me so tat i wont keep pressurizing him to patch...hey come on...i did not pressurize u....u dun sound as if...all faults come with me though i initate the break up at first...i did try my best to salvage this r/s and u can even lie to me while sitting in front of me and talking things out...hw many lies do u have to tell me in order to cover all the lies...5 years...i cannot imagine hw many other things u lie to me...TRUST there is no TRUST anymore between of us....sitting in front of me...i tot he was just a total stranger...it seems so familiar yet so far....i really duno wat makes me fall for him in the first place...well tat doesnt need a reason but i will jus carry on with my life bringing the past memories with me......

I will lead my happy life again with all my besties hanging out with them really makes my day each day...clubbing/dancing/drinking/shopping/slacking out with them...=] thank you all *sincere from heart*....the ones who are my most besties are phy,angeline,jenny,ed,meiyun,kev, candy, joyce,gernice...they nv failed to cheer me up whenever i am down...also frens out there who are concern abt me for past 8 mths...thank you! I will be fine and up kicking on with my life real soon again i promise =]

Well...I will be back soon to revamp my blog skin meanwhile take all...

Last but not least...

Goodbye my love...my r/s....and also goodbye Julius Lee....
*15.02.04 - 07.03.09*

Its been long

2009-11-16T21:01:00.002+08:00

Its been ages since i update my blog.
Each weekend, i will divert myself to clubbing...ended up getting drunk nt wanting to think of anything..abt our memories...

By right if we are together by nw should be our 5 years n 9 mths anniversary....its all just lyk a dream...

Many things have been running thru my head and i am torn between two person....guess only close peeps angeline,jenny,phy should noe who i am refering to...but its better to leave the matter this way and i love the company as the way it is right nw...

People always say expect the unexpected but i dun see any at all...

wat future lies for me i am unsure as well too...year 2009 is almost ending...this year is definitely the most hatred year of my life....i lost him.....but at the same time i made many frens...frens...tat are nw always for me whenever i need them...thks for the company all these while...without all of u by my side scolding me being there for me...guess i nw should be in hell...

I feel lonely at times...feel tat no one understands me...i yearn for someone to dote and love me once again...lyk hw he used to....its a dream always so near yet so far....

Wat's wrong with me

2009-10-04T19:24:00.003+08:00

My mood swing is real bad...one min i can be happy another min i will be crying....sigh...
The pain u left with me indeed made a big impact with my life....

Tml is my exam yet i nt in the mood to study....
I miss u Julius, baby...miss u real much till u cannot imagine....
I hope to be able to fly to phillpines to see u but i duno the exact location u are in.....
I hate myself for treating u so bad in the past....i noe i was wrong...i have finally woke up and see who are my true frens...i just hate tat bloody bitch cheryl whom i tot at first was a fren....she is just a devil in diguise...i totally dun wana have anything or see her ever in my life again.....

I noe i should have listen to u at first...but 5 years isnt it enough for u to consider another chance? i have waited for ur reply and phone call for these passed 6 mths...i duno if u have forgotten abt me or couldnt imagine if u have a new gf already...everyone told me to move on with life but i just simply miss u too much...can u pls dun be so heartless to me...5 years of r/s exchange with a 5 years of work overseas....do u really hate me tat much till u wana be far away from me??

At times i felt tat if i disappear from this world how nice???? i duno wat to strive on without u anymore...our dreams we once had....all nw seems so near yet so far.....i turn into drinking each week trying not to think much but its of no use...the next day our memories still flash thru my mind....

Wat should i do in order to make u come back?
I am lost.............lost in a world without u..

I decided not to fall in love agan...a failure of 5 years r/s has brought me really down this time round...i no longer trust tat true love will last forever cause nothing is forever...only hurts n waiting is all i can feel now...

Emo world

2009-09-30T22:03:00.003+08:00

Guess i am back to my own emo world...
I cried each day....regretting lyk hell but i no longer holds the courage to love anyone anymore..
I wanted to call ur house but i didnt wana disturb ur family...

Half year has gone...it has indeed being a terrible/miserable/hurtful year for me...
I buried myself to work each day...have been working long hours nw a days...sigh....

Seeing ed and my back to couple, i am happy for them..but on the inner me...i am sad...sad that u are no longer beside me supporting me cheering me upwhen i am down....the photo of us is still at my office desk...i look at them every single day wshing miracle could happen...
I am really sorry for hurting u this 5 years...u were the soul of life...u are part of me but i hurt u deep make u sad....i miss the times with u.....i miss the happy memories....5 years 7 mths +....i realised u are still the best guy towards me..though u asked me if found better guys i should go...but i jurt dun wan.....julius can i call u baby again....can i have ur hugs and kisses...i miss the times when we were at hongkong...i miss the times when we were at ecp..i miss the times we always catch bear together...i miss the times we played maxitune...i miss the times being with u.....

I duno wat i should strive for in life anymore.....i m totally lost totally hopeless.....i jus hope we can start a new again.....i always rememeber 15/02/2004 the day u bought me chicken chop, mashimaro and necklace.....the day i say "yes" to you...the first time u held my hands....the times when u stand by me with all my nonsense.....

I MISS U....

Tears flow down my cheeks again........i Noe its no pt crying over spill milk but ......

I really miss you

2009-09-06T13:20:00.000+08:00

Missing u is all i do each day.
When will u be back
When will u give me a call
I seriously no idea.

I have to act each day to cover up hw much i miss him...
Will he ever noe tat i have change...

Emo

2009-08-30T14:59:00.000+08:00

Last night gone at ph drinking beer + martel
Really KO...
pple push me on the floor i jitao say sorry???? lol...thks...to phy n kev for holding me ba...if nt i really gone cause...

i have a secret but guess only phy noe...i just wana leave things as it is and dun wan things to turn complicated.

These few months was really my most down period...he left n no news no nth from him...
I am glad i have frens around me to make my day...
especially pple lyk ed,kev,my,angeline, of course the most impt sis phy for being there for me everyday...
Wat's life without u...i am still struggling to accept the fact...u use to be my supporter..u will be there for me each time i need you but nw...no longer...

I am emo again...i duno wat to look forward in life......

突然好想你

2009-08-21T23:28:00.001+08:00

突然好想你

What's life without u?

2009-08-20T22:06:00.000+08:00

What's life without u?

I need someone that i no need to hide anything under the sun.
I need someone who used to assure me everything is gona be alright..

I truly still missing and loving everything of u.

but.....................

U are just nt here anymore..
I am falling
Falling into deep holes..

I duno who i am anymore...

Will u just come back to me....i need u badly Julius...

Sometimes i just wish...i no longer exist...

5 mths + since the day u gone

2009-08-16T12:14:00.000+08:00

Have a enjoyable night at ph last night.

Pple who came were me,phy,ed,kev,my,carol,cathy,candy,cheryl,claudie,joyce,iris,johnny and his fren after which saw xiao ben there also..ask me drink half cup of beer ...luckily i nv drunk ytd night hahhahaha

Overall an enjoyable night..

All went home left me,kev,phy...we take pics lyk mad...hahha...den head to dance floor again...ytd wear the skirt too tight...cannot low low low...LMAO...

When i took a cab home this morning...i almost broke down and cry again....seeing other couples but i cant get to see u at all...i almost wanted to end my life by jumping off the cab....

Baby ni dao di zai na li........
Missing everything of u....loving u just lyk the past...
I just wana start everything a fresh............

Anniversary

2009-08-15T00:04:00.003+08:00

It suppose to be our 5 years 6 mths anni today 15 Aug..
I am missing u..
I will be happy while waiting for u.....

Today i am a happy ger..met up with sis phy and angeline...

Tml night heading PH...catch ur there if u are going...=]..

Gona do manicure bought something cute LOL X)

Sigh

2009-08-12T23:44:00.000+08:00

I simply just miss u lots....

Missing u lots each day....

DRINK DRANK DRUNK

2009-08-10T12:27:00.000+08:00

I was damn high last night...i ki siao open another martel but decide to give phy as her birthday present....
I decide to quit drinking...last night i was the most seh one and almost puke my heart out...the feeling totally turns me off..

If only u were there...
If only i can get to see u there..
If only time will turn back..
If only things didnt turn out till this way today.
If only.....

Baby, each day i pray for miracle..each day i searching for the impossible, i just hope......

I miss u terribly....

my head is still hurting nw and my stomach nt very good...sigh...

Whenever i see other couple

2009-08-09T03:34:00.000+08:00

Whenever i see other couple....i turn my head away nt wantng to take a second look......
I feel lost at that point of time...
I tried to run and hide...i try to divert attention...

Each time i see my hp pics...i wonder whr are u...wat u doing....
My mum ask abt u today...i duno wat to say all i can say was only wait for u to be back...
I wanted to call ur house but i dun wana disturb ur family....

I just wana start everything a new with u baby...
This life time i only wana be mrs lee....i no longer wana quarrel with u...i will accomdate and try nt to quarrel...i just wan happy memories for both of us...

I duno wat to strive on in my life...i use to feel everyday no matter wat happen u will always be there...y nw it seems i feel so empty nth to strive for anymore..

pple ask me to give up on u...find better ones...but only i myself noe wat we gone through 5 years...i still trust ur words when u say when u back u will call me.....

*cries*

Lonely

2009-08-06T20:53:00.000+08:00

I am lonely so lonely...there is no body....

Wat's life without u for the past 5 mths..i duno hw to express myself..

I miss u lots each day...praying for miracle each day....

All i wana tell u...

I missing and loving everything of u...

Cant stop

2009-08-03T23:18:00.000+08:00

I cant stop missing him everyday.

Can someone help me....*cries*

I just wish i can disappear and nt face this pain alone.
I just cant take it anymore.

Can you pls dun be so heartless to me...

I am heading ph again this sat for fren's birthday and finish up my half bottle of martel.

I just feel lyk ending off everything in my life...be it work/sch/life/family/love..i am tired of everything that's happening...without u around i no longer can cope up with my stressfulness...u used to cheer me up and stand by me...but nt anymore...

Nt feeling very good...was down with flu yesterday...this morning went work with a heavy headache...after which chest pain when i breathe...it just lyk something blocking my artery.....my health deterioates as each day goes by...just lyk hw much i am missing u each day...

Will you come back by my side baby julius...i need your care/dote/love/concern...without u...i am just nothing....

I nv regret putting u as my everything...but pls dun be so heartless to leave me with nth...

-Depress-

I miss him

2009-08-02T14:29:00.000+08:00

I miss him lots till i lost my sense last night.
Hop to ph and open 1 martel SGD180.00...

Drink n drink till i got high and almost gone case.
Took cig from edward n kev but steady lah i seh still can take pics hahaha..
After which phy me and my went podium to dance...i was so high till i nv bother abt anything just dance my own hhahaha.
But my feet both very pain..kev also gone case...can seh till talk to the road LOL...sibei power....

Hw i wish u were around last night...drinking and dancing with me through the night....I miss u tremandeously..i duno hw to let u noe...i duno hw to express myself to u tat....我已变但是你已经不再我身边....痛苦伤心难过就是我现在的心理的感觉...

-Baby, i just wan you back-

Emo

2009-07-30T20:38:00.000+08:00

Nothing changes in my life..
Time move on..
Life goes on..
But for me happiness has ended since the day u left...

I hate life...
I only wish to disappear forever...nt feeling the pain, the hurts and the memories u left in me....

Headaches this few days....body ache as well especially my back....

I wana drink n forget abt the pain.....
I wana drown myself to work load each day..

I am missing u more than anyone can expect..
I duno wat to do anymore....

No good health anymore

2009-07-28T16:19:00.000+08:00

Practically, i should be working and ya i am on mc again.
Sigh...doctor give me maigraine medicine that lead to my gastric acting up...
Last night i ate sleeping pills before i sleep but still cant sleep well...guess tonight must eat sleeping pills again..
My back hurts as well...duno wat's wrong with my health is deteoriating each day....

Sigh....I am still missing him lots as min/secs gone by each day...
Time is nt stopping but moving foward but me..i am still lingering behind time trying my way to find my lost path...All i ask for is a miracle and another chance....i simply hate each day without him by my side...i miss his hugs/kisses/care/concern/dote...

Remember each time i am sick...he will always scold me say nv take care of myself...he will call me each noon time and ask me if i have eaten....
Remember each night before he sleep. he will always call me to chat...and scold me for sleeping late..
Remember each weekend he will come n fetch me from home and off we go for movies...
Remmeber each time i slept on his shoulder while he pat me to sleep...
Remembered once my stomach was so cramp but i didnt wana miss the movie...he sayang me and let me sleep on him at the bus stop at douby ghaut....
Remembering him buying food for me and he knows me best of wat i love to eat n wat i dislike...
5 years of memories and i am still lingering on and unable to move forward...
Can i just get a chance to see u and know if u are living well and eating ur meals each day...
I simply miss everything of u...but i just duno hw to stop nor control....
Baby can u pls dun be so heartless to me...

My hearting is crying and dying for the guy name Julius...
Pple say nv put the guy as ur everything as if he leave u will left with nth...but i did not regret putting him as everything is always my fault tat things ended up this way....
I have really changed...but is all too late..
Once glass are broken...no matter hw hard we mend..there will always be a scar at the glass....but...though there are still scars, i will try my very best to make it to the minimal......

-I miss him just too much-

so true

2009-07-27T15:03:00.000+08:00

Got this from Amanda's blog saying :
Never make a guy your everythings because when he gone, you'll left with nothing ..

Apparently tat's hw i am feeling nw.

Guess u all might think why am i home blogging at this time instead of working?
Ya i am sick again...
Cannot sleep well since my headache starts on yesterday...
I cried again last night...out of no blue i miss him real lots....

I have taken sleeping pills from doctor to allow me to sleep....i haven been sleeping well all these while after he left....
He left me with nth after he left....i really miss him but all i can do is only wait....

Dejected/Devastated.

I find ways to hate him....but i just cant...
Y have u turn ur back on me when i needed you the most.....

2009-07-26T21:08:00.000+08:00

I am feeling lost.......
I duno y i am so emo again as tears flow down my cheeks.
I.....I....have the feeling of death......

Nt good

2009-07-23T20:05:00.009+08:00

I am feeling very down...I dreamt of him again last night...

This time is quarrelling with him while his dad was around outside shopping mall....

I duno wat else to say....tears flood my eyes while at office today...i almost broke down...i feel tat i have live life enough..i am just waiting for time up and off i go.....i nv have this feeling before...

Many people ask me to move on....many pple tell me he nt worth it...but i noe my heart can no longer store anyone except him...even if some guys come and interested in me...i dun even bothered at all....

I am missing him more each day i have fallen into depression....i cant seems to sleep well...having headaches nw a days....i duno wat's wrong with me...

I wana go n look for him but i duno hw and whr....i have urge to call his family but after thinking i decided not to...the scars are there but....i am depress....really very depress....i just hope for one last chance....y is he so heartless....i dun bother wat other pple say cause this r/s only me n him noes wat's going on.....

Baby......i am lost....lost without you...i have many things happening in my life...i duno who to turn to....i used to tell u everything...u always support me and be there no matter wat happen.....but nw it seems i am left with no one to confide in......i wan be pamper by you again....i wana be dote and care by you......a chance is all i yearn and ask for....i am no longer the me....can u feel the hurt/depress mood i am in.....i fear when u are nt around.....i can no longer think properly....i am down real down....

Guess no one will understand hw i am feeling....tears flow down my face while typing this...i am nt asking for sympathy from anyone of you cause i dun need anyone except him....y is heaven so unfair to me....y is heaven taking away everything from me.....i already have sickness......yet it still wana take away u from me.....

I just hope i sleep and nv wake up each day...i just hope to die off......nth in this world left for me to live on.....

Can anyone of u understand my pain....

I wana go and look for him but i duno whr to start hw to start.......wat's he thinking...wat's he doing...how is his life......

I am better off dead.............

can anyone of u help me to find him.....

I am nt wat i am
I duno who i am anymore....

Definition of happiness?
How do i find happiness?

Missing u

2009-07-22T20:20:00.004+08:00

I nt been sleeping well.......I have dreamt of him for two nights by nw...will i dream of him again tonight?

I still feel the pain, the loneliness without him by my side...

I miss u
I need u
I love u

Upset

2009-07-20T21:28:00.005+08:00

My gastric acts up again

I had a bad dream last night...i dreamt of him but i was scare awake...(dun wana be remind of the dream again)

I told myself he will definitely be back for me......I told myself i have to be strong while waiting for him..But i just somehow cant convience myself.

Today i msg shirley sis, i told her hw i really feel deep down..she told me not to think too much as i cant do anything for now...all i can remember was him saying he will reply my letter, he will call me when he is back...I tried everything i could to divert attention...i tried nt to think too much...i duno y...this is the first time he left me for so long...this is the first time i realized he is someone important in my life...

I just wondering..is he eating well? sleeping well? is he taking care of himself....i dun wana see the skinny him so stress i wana see the happy baby i once know....i dun mind sarcifing myself for him...i dun mind doing anything as long he is back...i tot a lot during these 5 mths..hw we can dun quarrel...it takes to give n take....i finally realized....but nw the question is...will our fate continues?...i hope to be dote/love by him again...i just hope......

Typing these a failure me drop tears again...ya i am a cry baby....i am emotional....i duno hw many tears have i dropped since the day u left...i just wan my baby back.....can anyone tell me hw to find him? can anyone help me tell him i miss him...can anyone tell him as long as he is back nth matters anymore....i just wan him in front of me.........

I'll be waiting for u........................

All i can i miss him terribly...nth seems to be going well in my life nw..be it work/sch/life...nthing...

I am depress once again

2009-07-19T20:29:00.003+08:00

I tried to live life as it is going on...
I tried to be my happy self again...
But
I tot of our past memories, tot of our ups and downs...i just cant help being emo/depress again...tears flood my eyes again...

I duno wat to do den i can let u noe wat i am feeling now....this year has been our ups n downs for the past 7 mths...we break n patch....i didnt noe hw important u are in my life till u left me since march.....each day i just feel the purest of pain.....

I wana go n look for u....pple told me to go and look for u...but i feel tat i am such a failure...i dun even noe whr u are working....wat is ur company's name....all i can do is wait..........

I feel tat perhaps being born in ths world is just a mistake....i nv had live a happy life...till i met u....but nw u are no longer there for me....i feel so useless and helpless....

the promise we both made "wo men de yue ding" the bits n pieces we had gone through....i dun dare to face truth....i always tot wat will happen 5 years later u come back and tell me u are married or gt gf.....wat will be the me at tat time? perhaps i will be gone at tat time.........perhaps before u come back i already left.....

I cope myself each weekend at home....nt wanting to face the outside world.....i dun wan to see couples outside....i dun wana feel the pain........are u really so heartless to the gal u once loved so deep....hw am i suppose to let u noe i really missing you....hw am i suppose to let u noe tat i just hope to a new and forget abt the past......

sorry i cant continue typing...............

Missing.......

2009-07-18T21:25:00.001+08:00

Missing you is the only thing i do each day.
Waiting is the only thing i can do for nw.

Will you create the miracle/fate for us?

I miss u real lots.

-EMO-

Wo hen xiang ta

2009-07-16T20:14:00.003+08:00

Mum and Sister will be back tmr midnight....

I should be studying Bachelor in Logistics and Supply Chain management @ SIMM after my SLA Two dip cert in Oct....Its a part time course as i am working thus my sat/sun is burn from 9-4pm...hopefully i can pull it through...the course is abt 20k+....my sister pay for me first..

This year christmas i wont be in Singapore..will be away from 14-28 dec...after which next year feb i will be hokkaido skiing with my sister.

Life still goes on 5 mths without u by my side..i feel empty only when i am at work...my colleagues will try to make joke and luff tat's when i will forget abt the pain...

I am still missing/loving him as days go by....i duno hw long more must i suffer this...all i can do is to wait each day.....i just hope for miracle each day....

I haven been sleeping well....each night i will sleep and keep waking up....duno wat's wrong with me....Nothing is going well in my life...work....life...everything...but life still goes on...i hope to survive this but hw i will without ur moral support/dote/love lyk hw u did in the past...

My heart has died since u left....i became anti social.....i no longer trust love.....depress/emo..

All i ever wanted is you.

Tmr marks 5 years 5 mths

2009-07-14T22:14:00.003+08:00

In less den 2 hrs, it should be our 5 years 5 mths.
Too many words to say which can only kept in my heart.
I still miss him lots each day. My hearting is crying...wishing i can hug him again.

Wondering when he will call me..when he will be back in Singapore.
Yes its my emo self again...all these while i have been emo and depress each day.
Everyone ask me to walk out and cheer up but i just cannot do it.

Everyone do make mistake is a matter of if u are willingly to change.
Everyone will learn as they grow...learn wat is right n wat is wrong..
Many a times we take pple for granted example lyk me...but i finally realised wat is right n wrong...will there be a second chance? i really duno

All i can do each day...is to wait for miracles...bury myself to work....and nth else....

Happy advance 5 years 5 mths to him [a guy whom i used to call baby and wishing i can call him baby forever]

lON DAY

2009-07-13T23:17:00.002+08:00

It has been a long day for me today.
My tummy is still nt good...i duno wat's wrong with it...it has been aching and stop...aching and stop...nt gastric, nt cramp, nt tummy ache...just normal aching...sigh...

After work was school, one of my colleague is on leave till thurs den back in office...sigh..tmr another busy day...today's shipment nv complete wait till tmr den do...

Sch was ok...project is exactly the same as wat we did 2 years ago....lol...well can copy a bit here and there ba...=) yup yup...

I still miss him lots..last night dreamt tat he called me...but forget wat happened after tat but is a happy dream tat's all i remembered. will it come true? pple all say dream is always the other way round....i am afraid it will be the other way round..

All i pray for is we can be together again...5 years it seems very long...he told my god sis...if choose between unstable r/s and work of course he choose work...but he nv mentioned the word break...does it mean we still gt chance? i seriously duno wat is my status now single or attached...before he left..words was unclear and unspoken...we nv have a heart to heart talk...dun wander even my god sis say when he come back shall have a long talk with him..ya he agreed too...i still choose to trust this r/s after going through so much ups and downs...i have change my mindset totally towards our r/s....i just wana share with him my tots....but i duno hw...all i can do is only wait....i am sure he will be back for a short visit to his family...hopefully can catch up with me 2-3 hrs to talk things out...his birthday present is still with me...letters i wrote i still with me...i noe he is nt a heartless guy...only me is a heartless gal towards him in the past...i can nw understand hw he really dote/love me...practically every sat/fri sent me home and took a bus back home...even he feels tired...u all noe y i noe? cause nw my sch is at bukit merah..so i took the bus home same route as him.....he did all these without any complains in the past...pple may say past is past..nw is nw...but if there is no past there wont be any future...tat's i choose to believe.....

I trust our fate is nt over...if its really over...when he came back for visit in may...i cant even get to see him for 1 hr....i choose to believe in miracle...i choose to believe fate...mostly importantly...i choose to believe him...

-Awaiting- ...u wont disappoint me [i noe deep in my heart]....!!!

I am still missing him

2009-07-12T19:28:00.003+08:00

It marks the weekend is coming to an end.
I am still the same ownself...been staying at home for these two days.

Tmr gt sch again after work...sigh...
Wat's life without u...???

I have many words to talk to u but duno whr to start and duno hw to convey to you.
All i can do is only wait as each day gone by.
When will u reply my letter as promised?
When will you call me again once u back as promised?
I seriously gt no idea.

I am depress..

My brother just commented that i am growing fat....and it bring back memories of me asking him wat if i am fat one day...he answered....no matter hw fat u are..i will love u this life time....
At that point it brought me to tears....

One of my fren commented that i dont love him really much as i didnt bother to find him hard enough.....well....i duno hw to explain...i dun wana disrupt his family anymore....but i just wana noe hw he has been for this past few months....
I duno wat to do/think anymore...i noe life still goes on....at least i noe he is still alive somewhr in another country......but....i just duno y is it even a simple phone call of 1 min is so hard???even weekends he still has to to work???
What is our 5 years r/s compare to his work for just 5 mths.....

爱的痛了，痛的哭了

Still Sick

2009-07-11T16:03:00.002+08:00

I am still sick...stomach is still nt well....

I have evil tot just now...wondering if hw nice if i am dead...but thinking wat will my family feel....i withdraw that tot....ya imagine i am so unhappy with my life till i tot of dying....

Tears fill my eyes again as i am typing this entry.....
I wana go and look for him but i duno whr to find him.....
I am desprate...i am sad....ya and i am crying..........
I really miss him till duno wat i wana do with my life.....
Y am i only the one feeling this way.....y he left so long but couldnt be bothered calling me....does he really noe wat i am feeling deep down.............i hide myself at home each week...........i no longer look forward to weekend........all i ever had in my tots and mind is tat i can die earlier.....
I dun wan to accept the fact he is gone.........i dun wan to feel the pain anymore...i just cant wake my self up from this....

Can anyone help me to fiind him back for me..........can anyone help me to ask him to stay.........pls........................i tried to live on my life each day...but each time....it just fail....5 years....5 long years......hw am i really prove to him tat i have change...as long as he can be back i dun mind doing anything...u all can say i am stupid or wat...but i am just trying to achieve my happiness............how do i live without him.....

Shirley sis if u are reading this......i noe u have been helping me many times since i am with julius....i am sure u noe hw i feel each time u read my blog.....if not u wouldnt even bother calling me n asking me y i am feeling so emo at my entries....yes i am...tremendously emo...i tried to act happy...try to act he is still beside me somewhr....but...he just nt around anymore...sis....can u help this one last time.....I noe i hurt him in the past....i noe wat i did wrong...and i have thought through everything.....I dun wan me and his fate just to end this way......
姐...你帮帮我好吗。。。。我求求你...i am someone who dun show my true feelings to pple...only when i write down here in blog...tat's exactly how i feel....

没有人会了解我的辛苦以痛苦

Sick

2009-07-10T21:25:00.003+08:00

Fallen sick ytd...today still nt gd...
Was on mc ytd....

I am feeling lonely without him by my side.....
Perhaps i depend on him too much in the past...nw without him i feel lost...but i am very sure...i not course of use to him tat's y i am so emo...
I really wana be with him for the rest of my life...
I miss him lots.....
I hope to fulfill our dream together...

At times i tot of telling my dad to find him for me..but i was afraid my dad will say i siao or stupid...Many pple told me if we still gt fate we will be together someday,,...i choose to trust fate cause if we two really no fate..tat day before he left we wouldnt have met...i trust in miracle cause miracle really happened on me...but to our r/s will there be miracle?

All i earn for is just one more chance..i promise not to hurt u again...i promise to love u heartedly..i promise nt to quarrel with u anymore....julius 5 years+ of r/s....all the ups and downs we have gone through together...does it nt really let u reconsider it?...i hope for miracle that u will be back in Singapore...i dun go out weekends anymore...each day after work i came back home..each day i bury myself to work till 7pm...each day my missing of u is words nt to express myself..i put on a happy front each day at work...to divert attention my missing of u...but whenever i am alone....i start to think of the past memories we have....baby can u pls dun heartless to me...talk to me in some way...let me know how are you...wat u been doing over there....
I wana share my happines.sadness.angriness.loneliness. all my emotions this life time...but will i ever be given another chance.....

Almost 5 years and 5 mths...i wana settle down n nt play anymore....i just wana be called Mrs Lee...

No one will ever noe the pain i am going through...the sadness without him in my life...
All i can do is to wait...........

一生的后悔

2009-07-08T20:48:00.000+08:00

Early morning customer service manager make me damn piss off with her.
One of the customer cargo was found pending survey due to 3 ctns wet and at the same time customer service colleague called up and ask me wat time cargo can reach of course i tell her at the same time cargo was damaged and is in terminal. Tat managr go skype my manager and complain...KNN...she freaking hell from ABX dun even noe our DSV customer procedure...den wana act big,,,CB....Spoil my early morning mood...fuck it....

Met up with TNT and talk abt declaration and all the CD,flammable items....hectic but slowly ba....

H1N1 case rise up to one thousand plus already...so scary man...duno when it will freaking stop and end...sigh....

My dad's pork chop is yummy yummy =)

My life still as usual,,,missing him every single day...wondering how is he....my life no more meaning or anything to look for anymore...it is just slacking my life away. I am emo has.....i just wana hug him tight again....i really have change n tot abt our r/s.......y heaven seems to be playing with my life....i am very upset nt knowing wat step to take in my next life.......
Without u nthing seems to be right....can u come back to me again....i miss u really lots....too much till i duno hw to express myself and think properly anymore....

♥一辈子的幸福就这样被我的双手摧毁了♥
♥我学会了但是都太迟了吗♥

一个女孩等着一个男孩

2009-07-07T21:46:00.000+08:00

Work load as usual nv ending..I am so tired today...sigh...

Tmr need to meet customer after lunch...i am nt prepared for anything....Freak it....

Today my dad cooked fried rice for me to bring to work...besides that got fruits somemore..yummy yummy...I had fried rice for lunchie too cause too much already...after which ate sushi...sigh i am turning fatter n fatter each day....sick man.Its time to diet real soon before i really turn into a fat pig...oink oink*

Tmr he cooking century egg porridge and pork chop for dinner yummy but nw i am too full to think of tat..guess will skip lunch tmr to save space for dinner.

Despite my nv ending work....nv ending SOP...billings...shipments....i still cant stop thinking of him...People keep asking me to move on with life...mentioning without him i still can survive...blah blah...but i noe deep down i just cant convince myself...its coming to 5 years and 7 month anniversary he went for 4 mths already....during these 4 months we didnt really talk....much only for pathetic 1 hr tat night but also nt much talking only shirley sis was talking majority of the time...I just hope to have a good talk with him...duno wat was his reaction after he received my leter and also when he will be back again to contact me about his tots n feelings...Sigh...too much words to say but i cant explain my feelings down here...its just to complex and emotional........

我只想说，没有了你我该如何往下走。请你不要放弃我们的感情好吗没有了你就想, 天空没有了太阳，海里少了鱼，人真的好难受

♥我依然深爱着你♥

一个女孩等代着那男孩

思念你的感觉很痛苦

2009-07-06T23:44:00.002+08:00

Sigh i am very tired.
Just came back from my first lesson of sch.
Well not tat bad, my team consist of two guys n two gals..quite friendly though =)
Project due is first week of sep...exam on oct 5 and also class test on the last lesson...
Pray hard that i can make it.....

Workload is increasing again.
I have to write out SOPs' for global accounts and also re-do up the quotation file - major project coming up sigh =\
I have to many things piling up no time really to do Siemens/Tnt on their control drugs - damn...
Wednesday have meeting with TNT on how to identify control drugs in permit declaration as well as there will be flammable importation for their cargoes too..we have to arrange for SCDF truck for delviery...oh god help me!!!!!!!!!!

Shirley sis called me up ytd and replied that she will help me talk to him once he is back and contacted her.....i just hope he say that in the feet of an anger..
Ya i am getting more n more unhappy and emo each day...
I no longer have life in me...
I really miss him lots...i just wana hug him tight but sad to say he is nt there anymore...
I again have nightmare last night....a nightmare which i was pregnant cause i was rape by someone....in my dream....also have julius but i cant remember wat i dreamt abt him....

我很想你真的想你想到要发疯了
我很想念你的一切，我们这五年来所经历过的点点滴滴
没有你的日子你叫我如何活下去，
我累了真的我这辈子只想永远爱着你而被你疼爱
但是一切都太迟了吗?
请你不要放弃这五年的感情好吗?
我很爱你..真的...

I miss u tremendously...will u ever understand?
Fallen right to the bottom,,,
I need u back by my side, baby....
Pls come back to me...u promise me u will nv leave me alone..but nw u did...
I am hurt...really hurt....

2009-07-05T19:44:00.001+08:00

Few months have gone.I am still the same old me..
I actually tot of disappearing from this world.Ya sad to say although i did promise him i wont do silly things or think of committing sucide @ times i still tot of dying.But i cant be that selfish.I duno ba.Nothing seems to be right...Nothing...............

I seem to be happy but i am nt at all.I am missing him missing him real lots.

My skin condition are pretty working well..hopefully it will nt need 6 years to recover.

He is nt around to guide me anymore.
He is nt around to protect me anymore.

And ya i fear...i am timid in everything lil things....even tmr i gt evening class i fear tat i cant make friends there and cant get my project done....he was always there to give me the energy and always there to make me feel safe and sound but i took for granted....i betrayed him...perhaps pple think tat he gt slap me before.... hug one of my gal friend but....i did more evil thing den him.....i slept with one of my ex before after i broke up with him...i was with the guy for 1 mth....ya....i was damn stupid damn navie tat that time....he still care for me despite after wat i did to hurt him...remembered that night i was dead drunk at powerhouse...he wanted to come down...but he dare nt.....remembering him always get scolded by me.....remembered him always being there despite all my insults....i really hate myself......and he was still back with me loving me after all these have happened....i have tot over all my wrong doings for the past 5 years...all i wanted was a chance to amend my mistake but everything seems late? or fate playing a game on me? i really duno i am depressed...i am emotionally unstable till no one can imagine hw emo i am...i actually tot maybe one day i will go to mental insitute of health.......no one will ever understand....

My worst nightmare started when i was 15 years old....ya i get "rape" by one of a so call "bf"......many a times i tot i forget abt it but i did not...it still lingers in my mind....julius was the one who nv give up on me and give up on my skin condition and this is hw a bitchy me treated him.....i despise myself i hate who i am...i hate everything about me...though pple tell me tat i must love myself before loving others but.....i just cant love such a me....such a bitch me...

.-Lost-

MIA

2009-07-05T11:51:00.002+08:00

Heart numb
No more tears.
I am still the same yes same old unhappy,dejected me.

Its been long really long....
I still cannot believe u are a heartless type of person after these years.
I need a reason, a valid reason from you.

I duno wat to look for in life each day anymore.
I am just living without a reason.
I dont trust love anymore.
Lost faith in everything tat's in my life.

I buried myself to work each day even over working myself to numb my feelings and not to think of anything.
I hide myself each day during weekends and nv go out anymore.....i use to go town every weekend, movie session but nt anymore.....
Ya i have fallen....

Peeps who tagged at my tagboard...appreciated it lots....but to me...though i change.....life doesnt go on anymore...i choose to dwell on it.....its a 5 years full of everything...i really cant let go at this point...perhaps time will heal....but to me...i no longer trust r/s anymore....i tried really tried to move on....but failed.....

I have decided something but i wont say it here....only two of my close colleagues bro/sis noes....i just hope he wont disappoint me.....miracle is all i ask for.....i am lost ...ya real lost in this reality...no body dote/love me more den him....his sudden change i am taken back but watever the case....i just hope...........

-Dpress-

U PROMISED ME!

2009-06-29T20:57:00.005+08:00

U promise me u will give me one last chance.
U promise me u will nv leave me behind.
U promise me u will go through thin and thick with me.
U promise me u will be with me this lifetime.
U promise me u will nv break up with me.
U promise me u will nv make me cry.
U promise me u will always love me.
U promise me u will nv forget "wo men de yue ding"

Why all these promises seems so near yet so far.
Everyone tells me forget you...everyone tells me nw world so high tech why nt even a simple call nor email. Wat am i suppose to say or do....I duno wat to trust wat nt to trust......

Ya i cried again...this time round i cried in office while talking to my close colleague....

What really has gone wrong till u make such a big impact decision in ur life....Why u choose to tell others but nt me....Why words are all so unclear? why u didnt give me a chance to talk everything once n for all....Julius 5 years....u once told me...i make ur life happy...u once told me...i tot u wat is true love...but y.....everyone tells me time changes a person......but i dun trust their words...cause i noe u are nt such a heartless person....can u just share with me wat u are thinking....i seriously cant take it anymore..i am emotionally unstable each day....vanishing myself is all i can think of.....other pple ask me y u wana dwell on this r/s when u can get better guys out there....BUT i dun wan.......I JUST DUN WAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........y just no body understands.....y even u as my most supportive loved one cant be my side anymore......
I trust u more den anyone else.....i tell u more things den anyone else.......but y...................i wana look for u....but i dun even noe whr are u.......y cant even a simple 1 min of phone call seems so hard....dun tell me u work 24/7 .....even no breaks for bathing/eating? or even sleeping...i dun believe such craps......i wana nt believe...but u are making me really believing.....julius MARCH 7 u left Singapore...till i met u 1 hr on May and u flew back to Phillipines...its almost 3 mths....does it nt let u think wat u really wan.......y each time when things happen u only choose to tell shirley to convey message...y each time things happen u nv wana tell me anything....do u noe hw hurt i am deep down.......u choose to run....choose to tell others y cant u tell me....y u choose to run away when i finally have tot abt our r/s....y u wana leave me alone....alone in this agony world.....u brought me to the top of the heaven...but nw...u throw me down to the bottom of the hell....

Yes time change a person....i admit...but i realise my mistakes....i realise who is really true to me....who i really love....but y.....u promise me one last chance....but u choose to run away for 5 years even asking me to find better guys....have u really changed?......i remembered whenever i say break...u will always cry saying u dun wan......i noe i hurt u....but y this time u are so heartless to me.....u promise me u will nv forget our yue ding....u promise me.....u wlll dote and love me for the rest of ur life........u told me u will nv make me cry/sad again....u told me u wan a happy edna.....but y.......y are u so heartless now...............

Each day i hug the eeyore u bought for me....each day i cried while hugging it....i dun care if its making me lyk a kid.....crying is nt a crime...hugging soft toy is also nt a crime the point is u are nt there anymore....I tried to be strong....i tried to act nth has happened...but i cant.........I REALLY JUST CANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really feel lyk vanishing my self....i feel taking a long sleep......i am tired yes.. tired of struggling tired of everything tat has happened in my life...living in this 23 years of life...i was never happy......i tot meeting him perhaps my life will change....nw everything has change....i cant ask for much...perhaps u all can say tat....gt other pple tat are far most worst den me....but for me is really enough.....at times..i even feel tat i should just go jump off building.....nv wake up forever.....i am nt threatening to kill myself or wat...i just feel tat i have live my life enough....i duno nw wat else is there in my life to look forward for....its all just black n darkness in my life....i no longer care abt my own health or watever tat is going on...i am just a zombie each day...facing this cruel and reality world......i spent 14 years in agony cause of my skin condition...i tot i met u....u brought me out from agony...but now....u are pushing me to a double agony.......u told shirley...u dun wana see me...scared u will soft hearted and be back with me....but the fact is after u see me tat night...u are still as heartless......u didnt even bother to ask me wat happen these months when u are nt around.....all u care was ya i asked pple to call ur mum...make ur mum high blood when i duno anything till u tell me.....u dun even bother abt my health, my life anymore.......so wat's more can i ask for.......this life time of mine i nv regret anything....THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE THIS LIFE TIME IS ONLY Y ON 15 FEB 2004 AT 2.15AM.....I ACCEPTED U AS MY BF...........tat bring me nthing but hell to my life nw and forever................I HATE EVERYTHING OF U........I REALLY HATE EVERYTHING OF U..............

None will understand hw i feel............
I will nv trust love again........i lost hope in everything in my life.......i just wana shut myself from outside world....i choose to be alone......

Cant hold on anymore

2009-06-28T23:14:00.003+08:00

I am weak absolutely very weak.

I no longer know who i am.

I just wana run and hide.

I have fallen and nth can pull myself up again.

-A souless ger-

Head pain

2009-06-28T11:44:00.003+08:00

I having very bad head pain nw. I cried again last nw but this time i shiver while crying i duno y....tat leads to my head pain....my heart was aching really aching.......i think i cannot cry anymore before my health really gt problem....my health already nt good....so ya.....

I used to think tat i no longer love him.....i used to think tat i with him is just being used to his company and dote....after thinking i tot we can have a good talk...but fate play me out...he decided to continue his career......I
f i dun love him....y will i have such reaction when he is gone....y do i cry each day....y do i feel tat if i am gone perhaps i wont be so xing ku.......its really killing me each day.....i have no news of him.......each day i can only try to call his hp.....try to sms him.....

Is he really so heartless and cruel towards me....being 5 years + with him, i know he dote me the most....he will nt dun care me....is it because of time it changes everything? i Noe i am weak...each day i cry even typing now....tears flow down me...i duno hw many tears have i sheared....i only know i really miss him lots....i regreted that time when i met him....y didnt i do anything to make him stay.....y didnt i make a fuss, y didnt make a fool of myself as long as he stays......many a times people only tends to regret after they are gone....

I choose to shut myself from outside, i dun wana remind of our memories...(example...on friday night...me,phy,my,ed,kev...went to ps de aracade...ed/my catch the bear machine...it reminds me of me n him at that time tears flow my eyes but i noe...i cant let them see my tears..i choose to act strong in front of them....each couple i see holding hands....it reminds me of him as well...tat's y i choose to stay at home....i rather cry at home den let anyone else see the weak side of me....

I dun wana stay in this reality world....u all may think i have my family and frens....but honestly...close frens i dun have...family....my daddy doesnt noe the truth he only noes he went to work for 5 years...although my sis noes..but she is in hk...as for my bro he is too busy.......during this 5 years....whenever i am upset/angry he was always the wan consoling me...doting me...if chance was given again....i definitely wont repeat the same mstake again....i just hope we can accompany each other till eternity.....but...is everything too late??? too many things were left unsaid when he left...the only thing he say tat he still have feelings for me...and just one last hug from him.....i miss his hugs.....miss everything of him....07.03.09 the day u left....its been almost 4 mths.......i still cant put down anything abt us....no matter where i am even at home i still thinks abt him...all the things he bought...all the soft toys he caught for me...hugging the cute eeyore each day........

CAN ANYONE HELP ME TO FIND HIM.....???????????????????
Depress/dejected/shutting down from outside

Perhaps i will put this blog to private..perhaps i will shut down this blog of mine and nv update anything again......

First time crying to the sky

2009-06-26T19:32:00.002+08:00

Weekend is here again...but i am still the same old depress me...

Last night was my first time crying till my heart really hurts...first time i broke down so terribly at home inside my enclosed room...I cried at the sky....i cried to it...sobbing in terrible tears telling it that what god wants me to do i will do as long as he is willingly to come back to me....my heart is bleeding, bleeding for a r/s which i nv treasure...even if nw gt nice guy or even better guy....i wont fall in love anymore.....i only wana married to him and be with him for the rest of my life...only he understand hw i am feeling and what i wan in my life....only he take cares of me well....only he love me for who i am......thousand and one tears each day....each night i sleep i always dream abt him.....(will he ever read my blog again? will any one bring him back to me...will anyone tell me whr is he...i just wana love him for the rest of my life....i always looking forward to our wedding next year....but because of my fucking self....things changes....baby......i am terribly sorry....can i mend the hurt i given you.....can i be the one loving u for the rest of your live? can u not give up on me and our r/s) ....writing this brought me to tears again....Edna has lost the ablity to laugh heartedly smile with her real smile....each day is only darkness....)

I have been eating non stop due to stress at work and of course because of him.....I am always acting happy at work trying to divert attention but once i am alone or i am back home....my depress self comes again.....i wana run wana vanish myself from this world....i miss everything of him...i hate myself for everything....y didnt i cherish him when he was around why did i only regret and know he is the best after he is gone.....i hate myself really hate myself for everything....

He was the guy who always think of me before himself.....
He was the guy .........................................

Is a chance i ask for too much? i am still waiting for miracles and believing in miracles after what we gone through for 5 years...remember u told me u pray each day for me...nw really miracles is happening and i can be cured........i just wish to share this joy with u for the rest of my life......i miss the times we at HK.......baby can u just tell me wat are u thinking now?...i noe u told me...u dun wana worry for me while u are working....i respect that..but can u at least let me noe if u are fine over there....can u at least tell me if u eat well each day....u are nt stress from work.....can u just let me know something...even 1 min of phone call i will be contented...i miss ur voice...miss u calling me baby.....miss u saying u miss n love me...miss hugging u and holding u......(thousand and millions over pain in my heart....tears are dropping....no one ever noes hw i feel deep down......i am nt who i am anymore......remembered during this year cny reunion dinner..in front of my family u told my family...ur wish is to see edna happy everyday.....without u now.....i am nt happy at all...typing this whole entry tears keep dropping...i nt asking anyone or u to sympathy me....i am just telling u tat millions of tears dropping cant compare to my heart hurting...something is wrong with me.........my back starting to hurt each day.........my stomach start to feel pain each day...nt cramp nt gastric....is just purely painning each day.........perhaps my days are numb.....but even before i extinct from this world.....can i have the last chance to see u...before i stepped in to my coffin.......can u just bluff me tat u still love me.............say something to let me go in peace.......................

Zombie

2009-06-24T20:46:00.003+08:00

She is just a zombie...living each day with no goals in her life anymore.
He used to be her everyday energy boster...but nt anymore.
She just wish she nv exist at all.
She knows she has to be strong but each day only tears flow her eyes.
Millions of regrets, thousand and one of sorry...If only it still work....

He is not there to support watever decision or thoughts she has anymore.
Going to work each day and bury herself to work is only what she could do.

Can anyone feels the misses and pain she is feeling.
She dun wana be happy cause she knows she will only be acting happy.
She is always praying for miracles each day.

She has really fallen this time.
Right to the bottom of the hill.
Pretending she is fine which infact she is not at all.
She needs him by him side at this crucial point of time but now she is all alone.
Alone in this miserable world.

Just nw her mum ask her not to go crowded places cause of H1N1 but she told her mum...if she has to die its her fate....tat's wat she thinks abt her life now....its meaningless without him....without him bringing joy and sparkles to her life anymore....

Shutting herself from outside world.

Meaningless life

2009-06-14T14:28:00.002+08:00

Didnt go anywhr this weekend, only to make my contact len and see chinese phyiscian for my skin.
Doc say is improving well...so i will endure another 6 years more but without u sharing my joy...wat if its cure, wat if i can be a happy ger again....,,,my heart will nt be happy again.

Cried again just nw reading past letters from him to me.
Tml is suppose to be our 5 years 4 mths anni...i duno whr he is...duno hw to let him feel tat i have tot abt our r/s.

I am depress very depress...fren jio me go movie on fri, shopping on sat, prawning at sat night..all i rejected...even just nw when fren ask me out for dinner tonight i reject as well....

I duno which way to go in my life with u no longer at my side.....Baby i really miss u lots....i will do watever it takes to let u come by again....can u pls just tell me someting...

I duno wat is happy anymore....i duno hw to survive on my own without u by my side...u told me u wont let pple bully me..nw gt pple bully me both at work n outside...but u arent around anymore...u told me u wont leave me behind yet..u did...u once told me i brought happines to ur life...u told me u will love me forever...y i dun feel it anymore......i feel hurts/pains its really hurting till i cant breathe anymore...Baby....i really miss u lots...miss u more den anything else....
I still wait for ur calls and letter each day....wishing for miracle.....burying myself to work...after each day is just work n home....no whr else to go without u........Shutting out from the world...pple afraid i will get depression...but i dun care........i only wan u back....is everthing too late?????

Dejected/Desvastated/Depress/Demoralised/Hurts/Sad/ is all i am feeling now.................

Wo xiang jie hun le

2009-06-12T20:54:00.007+08:00

Sudden tot tat i feel lyk getting married

Perhaps its time for me to settle down and not to play anymore.
But i only wana marry to him.
I guess he will nv know hw much i am missing him
500 hearts have been completed..
I duno when he will be back.
Missing him more each day.

Will u ever feel it.
I want to be Mrs Lee
I want to be ur wife.
I want to hug u to sleep each day
I want to go see movie with u each sat
I want to kiss u good morning and say good morning laogong each day
I want to spend my life time with you
I want to have happy memories with u

I want to ...... but will it ever be fulfill...only u are holding the key now..though we are 2384km apart...though u are nt by my side...i always treat u as my baby, 5 years and 4 mths soon....

I jus hope everything can be back again...i bury myself to work each day...to divert my attention but...i just couldnt stop missing u...can i hug u again tight....can u stay by my side forever....

I TRULY MISS U